Hell's Kitchen
Hell’s Kitchen
By: Laith Yousif
INT. EXECUTIVE BAR – TOP FLOOR, HEADQUARTERS – OCTOBER 2011
(Three men, dressed in feminine attire, sit around a table, sipping drinks and looking weary.)
Mohamed (sipping his gin and tonic): Just trying to figure out how to handle this whole “end of times” thing that the Boss dropped on us so suddenly.
Jesus (frustrated, drinking wine): Sometimes Dad is just so unreasonable. I don’t get why he comes up with these random dates.
Moses (drinking ouzo): Tell me about it. I had to carry two heavy tablets down a mountain before I even knew if he was fun to hang out with.
Mohamed (visibly upset): He doesn’t understand how much we have to do to get people to the right place these days. Handling the rapture in the next few weeks? Impossible.
Moses: It’s just too much. There are so many conflicting criteria for processing everyone coming in on rapture day. I don’t think our servers can handle that kind of load. I might need to call our help desk in India.
Jesus: You two have it easy. At least you have clear systems that sort people to heaven or hell. I have to look at a person’s heart and their actions—and decide if they believed in me at the moment they died. I’m so screwed.
(Moses massages his shoulder, as if recalling the strain from carrying the tablets 3,400 years ago.)
Moses: We need to find a way to get this done.
Mohamed: We need the brightest minds to help us out.
Jesus: Mohamed, the brightest minds are all in hell. Satan isn’t going to lend a hand.
Moses: Actually, guys, I think we might have a shot at getting Satan to cooperate.
Mohamed: Are you serious?
Moses: Yes, I am. Jesus, we need to get in touch with Satan, maybe get him to send a few of his best minds. Otherwise, hell’s going to get overpopulated fast, and it’ll make things harder for him too.
Jesus (thinking while sipping wine): I guess we could compile a list of people who could help, but we’ll need to give them some incentive.
Moses: Maybe a ticket to heaven?
Mohamed: Oh, come on, Moses. No smart person wants to spend eternity in a place full of clerks, preachers, and rabbis.
Moses: Jesus Christ, Mohamed, do you have to be so negative?
Mohamed: I had to hide in a cave to avoid followers. Trust me, nobody’s excited about heaven. Think of something better.
Jesus (in an Australian accent): Chill, mates. We need to figure this out.
(Paul, working behind the bar, mutters to himself.)
Paul: I don’t get how these three can be so clueless.
Jesus: Got something useful to say, Paul?
Paul (realizing he’s been overheard): Actually, I think I might have a solution.
Moses: And who are you again?
Paul (proudly): I’m the guy who made religions a profitable business.
Mohamed: Impressive… but disturbing.
Moses (skeptical): Are you saying you’re the Steve Jobs of religion?
Paul (smiling): I was his role model.
Mohamed: Quit showing off and get to the point.
Paul: First, get me another glass of wine. Mohamed, another gin?
Mohamed: Sure, why not.
Moses: So, Paul, how big is your religious empire?
Paul: Let’s just say a few billion invested on Wall Street, plus some fixed assets.
(Suddenly, Satan appears in the bar, puffing on a Cuban cigar.)
Satan: I heard something about billions. Any souls I need to collect?
Paul: Satan, you’re going to have to take that cigar outside. Bloomberg made smoking illegal indoors. You’re going to get us sued.
Satan: Who cares? The rapture is coming.
Paul: Actually, Stan, this is your problem more than anyone else’s. Today, about 155,000 souls will arrive here. After processing, about 150,000 will end up in your domain.
Satan: I’m listening.
Paul: In a few weeks, we’re expecting about seven billion souls, according to UN estimates. Heaven can expand easily enough, and the tenants there are pretty orderly, but hell? Your ovens aren’t going to be able to keep up with that. You’re going to be in trouble, Satan.
Satan: So what do you suggest, Paul?
Mohamed (angry): Paul, if you don’t come up with a decent plan, we’ll send you to meet your maker.
Jesus (laughing): The gin is talking! Chill, Mohamed.
Paul: We need to get Halliburton on this project.
Jesus: Paul, didn’t you buy their stock a few days ago?
(Suddenly, God enters, catching everyone off guard.)
Jesus (surprised): Dad?!
God (sternly): How many times have I told you? Call me Boss when we’re at work.
God: Also, man, don’t feel like you have to pull a Gandhi with your followers. If they don’t believe in you, just send them to hell, dude. You got way too much of your dad’s genes, not enough from your mom.
Mohamed (with a thick accent): Hello, Boss.
God: Mo number two, did you just try to threaten Paul for not answering quickly enough? Dude, you and your people need to chill out. Maybe more alcohol for that region… oh wait, they already use plenty.
Moses: Boss, it’s been a while. How’ve you been?
God: Moses, is your shoulder still sore from carrying my tablets? I bet you’d have preferred an iPad.
(They all laugh. Paul brings the conversation back on track.)
Paul: Boss, we were just suggesting Halliburton handle the rapture if it’s going to happen on October 21.
God: What rapture?
Satan: Harold Camping from Family Radio said you told him it’s on October 21, 2011.
God (laughing): For my sake, I was joking. I even wrote LOL in all caps afterward.
Satan: Then why are you here in the bar? I thought you stopped drinking after the liver transplant.
God: I did. Paul here keeps trying to sell me on a virgin screwdriver.
Satan (grinning): Guess it’s Moses’s tab tonight.
God: Actually, it’s on me. (hands over his Holy MasterCard) Let’s head to my favorite place for food. Moses, you’ve got the next tab.
(As they all prepare to leave, Paul sneaks a look at God’s Holy MasterCard, which has an engraved quote by Voltaire:)
Paul (reading): “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”
FADE OUT