Two & a Half Men, The missing episode
Two & a Half Men, The missing episode
By Laith Yousif
FADE IN
INT. HOUSE KITCHEN – MORNING
(Alan, looking visibly tired, sits at the kitchen table. Berta is bustling around as Charlie walks in, cheerful and smug.)
Alan (half asleep): What’s wrong with you, man? I haven’t slept well for two weeks.
Charlie (grinning): Ditto.
Alan: I don’t know if I should feel bad for your girlfriend or send a hate letter to Pfizer.
Charlie: Try both.
Alan: You appreciate the blue pill that much?
Charlie: No, you schmuck. Two girls.
Alan (shocked): You’ve been in a threesome for two weeks? God, God, God—you really do exist.
(Berta stops, listening with newfound interest as she exits the kitchen.)
Berta: That’s going straight into my memoir.
Charlie: No, you half-functional excuse for a man—I’m dating two girls.
Alan: What’s new with that?
Charlie: Well, these two happen to be friends.
Alan: Seriously? Aren’t there enough women out there who just fall at your feet? Why friends?
Charlie: Hey, I asked myself the same thing.
Alan (slyly): Wow, getting thoughtful, are we? (muttering) About time.
Charlie: Not really—they just complement each other.
Alan: You mean their personalities?
Charlie: Nope. One’s… enthusiastic in bed, and the other’s more… giving, if you know what I mean.
Berta: Giving? I used to be like that… until Michael Douglas broke my heart.
(Alan and Charlie look at her, shocked.)
Alan: Michael Douglas?!
Berta: What, you think I can’t score Douglas?
Alan: No, no, of course you can, but…
Berta: Well, technically, it wasn’t him. But my landlord looked exactly like him. At least I got away without paying the rent.
Charlie: Alan, there’s an idea for when you move out.
Alan: “When”? Really? You still have hope?
Berta: So, Charlie, you’re tending two gardens?
Alan: Buttering two muffins?
Berta: Cleaning two carpets?
(Jake enters, oblivious but joining in with enthusiasm.)
Jake: Feeding two kittens?
Alan (angry): Jake, how long have you been here?
Jake: Since you “tended” to Mom.
Charlie (laughing): Attaboy!
Alan: Watch your mouth, Jake!
Berta: Zippy, you should be proud he’s not like you.
Alan (annoyed, changing the subject): So, Charlie, how come neither of these girls knows about the other?
Berta: They’re mute, aren’t they? (walks to the door as the bell rings)
Charlie: The magic of “let’s keep this quiet so we can build something without interference.”
Alan: You’re a real jerk, you know that? What are you gonna do when they find out?
(Evelyn walks in, ignoring the situation entirely.)
Evelyn: Alan, I need your help.
Alan: Love you too, Mom.
Evelyn: I need you to go pick up my stuff from the man I was seeing.
Alan: Why don’t you get it yourself?
Evelyn: Probably because he saw me topless in another man’s car.
Alan: Mom, we do not need to know that.
Berta: Like mother, like son.
Jake: Dad, you still expect me to be normal?
Charlie: Thanks, Mom. That image will haunt me forever.
Evelyn: Oh, Charlie, just attach it to 36D.
Charlie (loudly): Mom!
(Jake hurries out, horrified. Berta mutters to herself.)
Berta: Memoir, memoir, memoir…
FADE OUT
INT. BAR – NIGHT
(Charlie is at the bar, chatting with Brooke, one of the girls he’s dating. He looks tired but tries to play it off.)
Brooke: Charlie, you look exhausted. I thought a day off was good for you?
Charlie: I was up all night… thinking about you, babe.
Brooke: So sweet! You make me feel… giving.
Charlie: I don’t know if that’s possible, but I’ll take it.
(Alan walks in, surprised to see Charlie with Brooke.)
Alan (feigning surprise): Charlie! Didn’t expect to see you here.
Charlie: Alan! What a… coincidence.
Alan: And who’s this lovely lady?
Charlie: Brooke, this is my “insect” brother, Alan.
Alan (sarcastically): Lovely to meet you, Brooke.
(Charlie spots Laura, his other girlfriend, entering the bar and panics internally.)
Charlie (thinking to himself): No kissing. No kissing. Think, Charlie, think!
Laura (approaching): Hey, Charlie!
(Charlie sneezes dramatically into his hand and holds it out as a shield.)
Charlie: Hey, Laura! Uh, feeling a little… under the weather.
Laura: You were fine earlier!
Charlie: Yeah, I guess it hit me… food poisoning maybe?
(Brooke and Laura exchange glances, confused.)
Laura: So, Brooke, you come here often?
Brooke: Sometimes. Charlie brought me here.
(Charlie sneezes again to disrupt the conversation.)
Laura: Funny, Alan said Charlie might be here.
Charlie (angrily muttering): Thanks, Alan.
Alan: Oh, did I mention Laura drove me here? (grins at Charlie)
Charlie (desperate to change the subject): Alan, did you do that errand for Mom?
Alan: Oh, our cheating mother?
Laura: Cheating mother?
(Charlie looks increasingly uncomfortable.)
Alan: Yes, she’s sending me to pick up her stuff from some guy she cheated on.
Brooke: That’s so sweet of you, Alan.
Charlie: Alan, maybe it’s time you… go help Mom.
Alan (with a devilish grin): And miss this nice little gathering? Never.
(Laura and Brooke each place a hand on Charlie’s legs.)
Charlie (panicking): So, Alan, why did both your wives leave you again?
Alan: If I had a decent handle, maybe one would have stayed.
Laura: Alan, you’re funny.
Brooke: Unlike Charlie, who somehow manages to juggle two women…
Charlie (guilty): Actually… about that. Brooke, Laura… I have to confess.
Laura: Go on, Charlie.
Brooke: What is it?
Charlie: I… I went out with both of you, not knowing who to choose. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Laura (smiling): Oh, we knew the whole time.
Brooke: We just wanted to see how long you’d keep it up.
Alan (flabbergasted): What?
Laura: And hey, Brooke and I have had fun together too, so maybe we can try… all of us?
Alan (excited): Great idea!
Brooke: Alan, don’t you have to get Mom’s stuff?
Charlie: Yeah, Alan. Stay at Mom’s tonight… this could get interesting.
(Charlie, Brooke, and Laura exit together as Charlie gives Alan a smirk.)
Charlie: And grab the tab, would you?
(Alan stands there, stunned and exasperated.)
Alan: Un-freaking-believable.
FADE OUT